All emotions are valid during grief. In a society that often misunderstands grief and loss, this can’t be emphasized enough. As you move through various feelings, both crying and not crying are valid responses.
That said, it can sometimes feel unnerving to not be able to cry during a particularly tenuous time. Maybe you resonate with feeling sad or scared, but the tears just won’t come. Maybe you want to cry and feel guilty that you can’t.
When you experience a loss, sometimes the body reacts with a sense of emotional numbness. This can correlate with an inability to cry. Instead of crying, you might also notice other physical sensations like fatigue, appetite changes, or body tension). Your body is still reacting to grief even if you can’t produce tears.
What Does It Mean If You Can’t Cry While Grieving?
Everyone processes emotions in their own ways; there is no right or wrong way to feel anything. Some people cry often. Others don’t. How and when you cry doesn’t have anything to do with how much you care about the loss.
Delayed grief: Some people experience more of a delayed reaction to grief. For instance, you may not shed tears in the first few days or weeks after a loss. However, then a sudden event (that may seem related or unrelated) causes you to cry unexpectedly. With this kind of grief, it can seem like the grief process may happen several months or years after the loss occurred.
Cultural norms and gender roles: Whether you are conscious of it or not, both of these can deeply impact emotional expression. For instance, if you’ve been conditioned to be the “strong one” in the group, you may be used to taking care of the emotional expression among others. If this is the case, it just may be harder to make space for yourself when you feel sad.
Anticipatory grief: In cases of anticipatory grief, you may have already moved through some of the more intense emotions before the loss itself. Some people note they cried
Emotional numbness: Some people experience a sense of emotional numbness just after a significant loss. This can happen in a state of shock. Your mind and body haven’t quite registered the magnitude of what’s happened. The numbness somewhat acts as a safeguard against overwhelming emotions. In most cases, emotional numbness subsides after some time, but there’s also no specific timeline for when this happens.
How Much Crying Is Normal During Grief?
When it comes to your emotional responses during grief, there really is no concept of normal. It’s typical for emotions to fluctuate: you may oscillate between feeling sad, guilty, angry, relieved, overwhelmed, confused, and lonely. Some days will likely be harder than others. If you experience certain mental health conditions like depression, anxiety, or PTSD, grief can exacerbate some of those symptoms.
Some people find that they cry often during grief. You may even feel like you can’t stop grieving. Others, of course, have a different experience. They may identify with really feeling nothing at all. Their mind may feel disconnected from their body.
It’s most important that you practice self-compassion at this time. Having expectations about how you should (or should not) grieve may only drive a sense of internal shame or anxiety. This can complicate grief in ways that make it feel even more isolating.
How to Cry When You Want to Cry in Grief
If you feel a desire to cry but are finding it difficult to let go, here are some tips that may help:
Get into a quiet space: Find somewhere where you won’t be disturbed and remove or move away any distractions, including your phone. Just allow yourself to be present with your emotions.
Think about the loss: Identify what you are grieving. Aim to get specific and focus on the details. Let yourself envision any associated memories that feel important to you. If you have access to them, look at pictures or items that represent the loss.
Play music or watch a sad video: Sometimes art can facilitate tear production. If a certain song or clip triggers a strong emotional response for you, let yourself have that experience.
Don’t give yourself any time limits or expectations: Your body is wired to protect you. Many factors affect tear production, none of which are “bad.” As you allow yourself to truly express emotions, you may notice some discomfort arise. Make space for that discomfort and remind yourself that you are safe and allowed to welcome whatever comes up.
Grief Therapy in Austin, TX
Although grief is universal, it is intimately complex and affects everyone differently. There’s nothing wrong with how you feel, but you might want support during this vulnerable time.
As a specialized grief therapist, I provide compassionate treatment for clients experiencing all types of grief and loss. My goal is to help you feel cared for and understood- you don’t have to navigate your intense emotions alone. If you want guidance on how to process emotions, I also offer a safe space for doing that.
Contact me today to learn more about therapy or to schedule an initial consultation.