Divorce occurring later in life, sometimes called ‘gray divorce,’ has become more common recently. Recent research shows that 36% of all couples divorcing are over age 50. Regardless of where you stand on this topic, it may be helpful to understand the nuances associated with this significant life transition.
In any situation, divorce can be emotionally and logistically complicated. While each relationship is unique- and each divorce has unique considerations- here are some common reasons couples part ways after a long-term marriage.
Challenges Coping With the Empty Nest
Parents spend decades in the thick of growing a family and raising children. Many couples relate to feeling so busy with the grind that they have little time left for themselves or their marriage.
As the kids grow up and leave home, one or both spouses may realize they have grown apart. Some couples can move through the transitory empty nest syndrome together. On the other side, they end up even more connected. But other people find that, without parenting at the forefront, they no longer wish to be together.
Financial Independence
It’s well-known that perpetual disagreements about money represent one of the top reasons couples divorce. Increased financial independence, particularly among women, has made it logistically easier for people to leave a marriage. Financial issues can intersect with many other aspects of marital satisfaction later in life, including:
- arguing about retirement savings and desired lifestyles in retirement
- financial mismanagement and associated debts
- incompatible spending habits
- estate planning or inheritance issues
- financial infidelity
Identity Changes
People evolve throughout life. This is true among both younger couples, but, due to increased life expectancy, it persists in older adults as well.
Some people find that they no longer relate to their spouse in the way they once did. This can cause a natural growing apart where things still feel amicable even if they aren’t romantic. Others engage in deeper self-reflection or self-improvement and discover their marriage is affecting their emotional health.
One spouse may realize they want to feel more aligned with their values or desires during their golden years. There can be a quest toward greater self-fulfillment, which can, in turn, affect the marriage.
Infidelity
Trust is an important aspect of any relationship, and infidelity remains one of the most common reasons couples divorce. Some married couples can come back stronger after an affair occurs. Others find they can’t move past it and need to proceed with splitting.
Infidelity may also contribute to divorce because:
- there can be a profound sense of emotional betrayal
- intimacy may dramatically change or stop altogether
- it can trigger a desire for more personal fulfillment
- there may be chronic resentment
- trust and respect can be challenging to rebuild
Health Issues
Health issues can contribute to divorce due to the negative impact they may have on a marriage. For instance, chronic pain may exacerbate stress and caregiving responsibilities. This can also coincide with financial difficulties, relationship dynamic changes, and communication issues.
What Should You Do If You’re Considering a Divorce?
If you’re unhappy in your marriage, you may naturally be contemplating your options. Generally speaking, unless you feel physically unsafe in your home, nothing needs to change right away. You’re allowed to take your time to consider your needs and really think about what you want.
Sometimes, an unhappy marriage can be reconciled through couples therapy or other active attempts to strengthen the relationship. No matter your specific circumstances, it may be helpful to:
Communicate with your spouse: Divorce will unquestionably have a significant impact on your life. That’s not to say you shouldn’t pursue separating, but you may want to consider having an honest conversation with your spouse about your feelings and concerns. This may lead to resolutions you didn’t anticipate.
Talk to a divorce attorney: It may be helpful to consult with an attorney to review your next steps. This will also give you an overview of the logistics of a divorce settlement. An attorney can outline your expected legal fees and the process of dividing assets (retirement accounts, social security benefits, pension plans, etc.)
Build your support team: If you have adult children, they may be shocked or otherwise dysregulated by your choice. Having support is crucial during this time. You may shift between feelings of regret, anger, sadness, and fear for the next few months. Lean on your friends and family members. Consider joining a divorce support group for additional support.
Therapy for Older Adults Managing Separation or Divorce
Thinking about a late-life divorce can feel overwhelming and scary. If you’re going through this experience, please know that you’re not alone. Having support can make a valuable difference during this time.
In my practice, I specialize in treating midlife adults and older adults navigating various transitions, including retirement, caregiving, medical concerns, and grief and loss. All of these can impact your wellness and your marriage. Therapy offers you a supportive environment to understand your feelings and identify new ways to move forward.
Please contact me today to learn more.