How to Release Perfectionism in Middle Age
We all know that perfect is the enemy of good, and yet so many people struggle with the desire to overachieve, perform well, and have everything under control.
There’s nothing wrong with striving for excellence or having goals. However maladaptive perfectionism can make it difficult to rest and enjoy the present moment. It may also impact the quality of your relationships, self-esteem, and overall emotional well-being.
Risks of Perfectionism for Middle-Aged Adults
Perfectionism can be problematic at any age, but it’s important to be aware of the specific concerns that may coincide with this time in your life.
Health problems: The mind and body are inherently connected. If you constantly feel stressed or place immense pressure on yourself, this can affect your body. Similarly, if you neglect your body’s needs, you may inadvertently magnify depression or anxiety.
Career stress: Both younger and older adults face may have high professional standards. But perfectionism at work can reinforce burnout or coincide with compulsively working (i.e. working too much to escape other emotions).
Relationship issues: Some people project their perfectionistic tendencies onto others. For example, you may expect your spouse, children, friends, or employees to act the same way you do. When they don’t, you feel frustrated or disrespected.
Eating disorders or disordered eating: There’s a strong link between eating disorders, perfectionism, and middle age. This can be correlational (meaning one does not inherently cause the other), but it often speaks to an unrealistic demand of what your body should look like and how you should eat at all times.
Feeling like you can’t be your true self: One of the more devastating consequences that maladaptive perfectionists face is a hollow sense of self. You might be so used to tuning into others or checking off tasks on your to-do list that you don’t know how to attune to your own needs. Or, if you do know your needs, you may not be able to meet them.
Steps to Overcoming Perfectionism
Perfectionists tend to be highly functional in most or all parts of functioning. Chances are, you’ve spent several decades succeeding and even dominating life. Even if you recognize having unrealistic expectations for yourself, there’s this inner motor that keeps you going, going, going.
Others might not outwardly notice any problems. Some may even be jealous or praising of your self-oriented perfectionism. They might consider your behavior as a sign of having strong discipline or intelligence.
Overcoming perfectionistic tendencies isn’t a straightforward process, especially if you’re used to constantly striving for greatness. But there are some helpful tips for changing your patterns and becoming more comfortable with making mistakes.
Consider Where Your Perfectionism Comes From
Perfectionism doesn’t emerge out of nowhere; it’s often deeply rooted in childhood. For example, maybe your parents pressured you to succeed in academics or athletics. Over time, you learned that you most felt loved when you accomplished something perhaps. Or, perhaps you struggled compared to other peers, and you wanted to prove your worth to others. Since then, maybe life has felt like this series of you needing to show critics how they were wrong about you.
Perfectionism can also be a trauma response. To cope with trauma, some people dive into school or work. It’s a virtuous distraction technique that’s often praised by others. Indeed, you may go on for many years, achieving at a high level, without really knowing your own feelings.
Moreover, perfectionism is often an extension of anxiety. Focusing on your external achievements can provide a sense of control in a world that may feel chaotic. Of course, this control is a fallacy. No matter how much you succeed in life, these ‘wins’ can’t necessarily prevent life from unfolding in surprising ways.
Recognize When You’re Engaging in Socially-Prescribed Perfectionism
Socially-prescribed perfectionism refers to believing that others have overly high expectations for you. This particular type of perfectionism often drives secrecy, withdrawal, and isolated behavior. You may suppress your negative emotions or mistakes because you worry about others judging you.
You may be experiencing socially-prescribed perfectionism if you:
- automatically believe others expect you to do everything correctly
- feel like you must appear happy or put-together at all times
- believe you always need to manage your emotions well
- think that you’re superior to experiencing mental health concerns like depression or anxiety
- feel guilty or worried when you have negative emotions or stress
Social media can drive socially prescribed perfectionism. Looking through everybody’s highlight reels can reinforce this notion that everybody else is living an amazing life. Even if you know this is irrational, the constant exposure can evoke a sense of anxiety and illicit a chronic fear of missing out.
Allow Yourself to Be a Beginner
Some people who identify with perfectionism only take on tasks where they know they will succeed. They either procrastinate, ignore, or deny needing to do anything else. This mindset, of course, has consequences for everyone!
One of the best ways to overcome perfectionism is to allow yourself to fail safely. You can safely do this by trying a new hobby or class. When you notice the negative self-judgments come up, try to simply make room for them. You don’t have to change or challenge them right away- just make space for how they feel in your mind and body.
Continuous exposure to embracing novelty helps you realize that making mistakes isn’t nearly as catastrophic as it mentally feels. It also helps you become more accepting of your natural strengths and weaknesses. It’s impossible to be skilled at everything, but you can still enjoy the activities you haven’t fully mastered.
Pay Attention to Your Self-Talk
How do you talk to yourself when you make a mistake or don’t do something perfectly? What does your inner critic sound like on a typical day? If you’re like most people with perfectionistic thinking, you probably struggle with high levels of self-doubt and self-criticism.
Being overly critical of yourself may be somewhat motivating, but it can certainly drive negative emotions of shame, guilt, anxiety, sadness, and more.
The next time you notice yourself berating yourself, try to gently engage in some self-compassion. Would you hold a good friend to your same unrealistic standards? If someone you loved made an error, how would you comfort them? And how can you better challenge the negative thoughts telling you that you don’t deserve basic needs like rest or relaxation?
Reassess Your Most Important Values
Someone with perfectionist tendencies may assume that every task carries the same weight. Therefore, they feel the need to complete every task perfectly.
These rigid thought patterns keep you striving for impossible standards. No matter how much you achieve, you continue raising the bar. This ‘bar’ looks different for different age groups. For example, college students may prioritize a perfect appearance, whereas middle-aged adults might prioritize having a perfect home or their own children making seemingly perfect decisions.
Take a moment to reevaluate what matters most to you in life. What relationships or priorities stand above all the rest? As much as possible, aim to focus on those needs, and try to practice letting go of all the anxiety you have about what might not be “perfect.”
Practice More Mindfulness
Another problem with perfectionistic concerns is the hyperfocus on the future. What will happen next? How will you manage those perceived failures? What if you don’t have everything under control?
Obsessing over potential negative outcomes feels draining, and it also takes a toll on your physical body. This may come in the form of fatigue, muscle aches, tension, and chronic pain. Deliberate mindfulness can be helpful for grounding yourself and feeling more connected to the present moment. This takes you out of the fears of the worst-case scenario and brings you to the joys of the here and now.
Therapy for Releasing Perfectionism
Perfectionism isn’t necessarily good or bad. It’s fundamentally an adaptive trait intended to help you succeed. Many people move through life with perfectionist thinking because they want to feel in control and be accepted by others.
However, perfectionism can immensely affect your physical and mental health. You may be more likely to experience low self-esteem, stress, anxiety, depression, and relationship problems in your quest to overachieve.
Therapy can help shift perfectionistic thoughts into more realistic goals. It can also help you gain perspective and work through some of the underlying mental health issues causing or exacerbating perfectionism.
On a more existential level, true perfectionism doesn’t exist. It’s often a mirage of negative self-talk coupled with unrealistic goals. To truly achieve perfection (in a standard that feels reasonable to you) often means sacrificing so much of what makes life meaningful.
I am here to support you in building better self-esteem and self-care. Contact me today to get started.