When a friend betrays you, it can feel hurtful, confusing, and disorienting. It may trigger a sense of self-doubt, reinforcing deeper feelings of shame or inadequacy.
Relationship trauma is unquestionably a real thing, and moving forward from any kind of rupture can be challenging. This is especially true if you’ve endured significant betrayals in the past.
However, you can learn how to take care of yourself amid these complex feelings. You might also be able to reconcile the friendship as well. Let’s get into what you need to know.
Common Types of Friendship Betrayal
A friend betraying you can take on many shapes and forms. Sometimes, the consequences are mild, and you two can work it out together immediately. Other times, the experience of betrayal feels incredibly hurtful or even impossible to manage. All experiences are valid.
By definition, betrayal refers to violating someone’s trust, confidence, or moral standards. Betrayals vary in type and intensity, but they’re usually most painful when caused by a good friend or family member, as opposed to a more casual acquaintance.
Some common forms of friendship betrayal include:
Your Friend Prioritizing Romantic Relationships or Other Friends
It’s normal for people to distance themselves from their friendships when they start dating a new romantic partner. They’re trying to integrate their new partner into their world, and this can take time, space, and emotional energy.
But if your best friend suddenly seems absent- or acts as if your dynamic no longer matters to them at all- it can seriously hurt. This is especially true if this represents a chronic pattern where they prioritize other relationships over the one they have with you.
Your Friend Gossips About You Behind Your Back
This can be one of the most painful types of friendship betrayal. Discovering that a friend talked poorly behind your back- or shared something you talked about in confidence- is a serious breach of trust.
In many ways, it can feel like a personal attack on your moral character, causing you to feel vulnerable and skeptical about trusting other friends.
Keep in mind this kind of betrayal can also be indirect. If you hear one of your friends sharing private information about someone else, you may wonder if they’re also talking about you that way. This, too, can feel uncomfortable and make you question the safety of your friendship.
Your Friend Ghosts You
Most people can offer grace for one-off cancellations or flakiness. Most people are busy and have demanding lives. However, we live in a time where ghosting has become prevalent, even among good friends.
If a friend is consistently unreliable, it can make you wonder if they actually care about your relationship. You may feel uncomfortable setting plans or trusting them to follow through with their actions.
Your Friend Sabotages or Downplays Your Success
A friend betrayal isn’t always obvious. In fact, it can sometimes even be more painful when it’s covert.
For example, let’s say you achieve a significant milestone, and you share it with your friend. Instead of celebrating with you, they downplay your success or act distant. They may even insult you (guised under a backhanded compliment).
This type of betrayal often speaks to themes of competition or jealousy. Your friend may be struggling with their self-esteem and projecting their feelings onto you. That said, it can still hurt to feel like your friend can’t revel in your joys with you.
Your Friend Isn’t Really There For You When You Need Them
It can be easy to be a good friend when things are going well.
But a true friend is there for you during the hard, challenging times. They check in on you, care about you, and strive to provide you with the support you deserve when things are rough.
It can feel quite betraying if a friend dismisses or disregards you during a vulnerable time. You may also feel betrayed if you’ve invested significant emotional energy into the relationship, and it never feels reciprocated. In this dynamic, you embody the perpetual giver, and that can take such an emotional toll.
How Do You Cope With a Friend’s Betrayal?
Recovering from a friend’s betrayal isn’t a one-size-fits-all healing process. Broken trust can be so damaging, and you may naturally feel hurt and want to protect your own negative emotions right now. You certainly have that right- there’s no rush to “move on” or feel a certain way.
The good news is you don’t have to decide to take action right away. You can and should respect your emotions and allow yourself space to consider how you want to proceed.
Allow Yourself to Grieve the Pain
Grief is a natural response to any sense of loss. Feeling betrayed by a friend can certainly trigger a loss of trust, connection, and safety.
If you’ve had past experiences of betrayal (even if it’s not by the same person), this situation can also make you wonder if you can fully trust people.
Keep in mind that grief fluctuates and that there’s no right or wrong way to feel during this time. Try to practice self-compassion and allow yourself to trust your feelings.
Evaluate the Friendship
How important is this relationship to you? Are we talking about a best friend or a very close friend? Do you distinguish your expectations for new friends versus older ones? What does this friendship bring to your life?
As you reflect on what this friend means to you, consider asking yourself:
- What are the risks of continuing with this friendship?
- Am I able to accept this friend for who they are?
- Do I need to consider setting boundaries in this friendship?
- Does this person positively or negatively affect my mental health?
Consider Your Friendship Values
No one person can meet all your needs. Although this can be a painful reality, it can also be incredibly helpful to understand each person’s strengths.
Support comes in different forms, and each of your trusted loved ones brings something new and valuable to the table.
As you think about your values with other friendships, you may have more clarity about what you need at this time. Perhaps, one friend offers you a sense of emotional support. Another friend can always make you laugh. Someone else is there for you when you’re struggling with parenting or work-related issues.
Consider Having an Honest Conversation About This Betrayal
Your friend’s betrayal may be unintentional, even if it’s harmful. But regardless of the circumstances, a good friend will care about your feelings and needs. Mature adults value taking responsibility for their part in a dynamic, especially if they realize they have hurt someone.
Consider sitting down and talking about what happened. See how they respond. Are they receptive to feedback? Do they genuinely acknowledge their wrongdoings? Or do they act defensively? These responses can provide you with important data about how you want to move forward.
Consider Your Grounds for Forgiveness
You are, in no way, obligated to forgive someone who betrays your trust. But it can still be helpful to consider what this friendship meant to you and what forgiveness (if applicable) might look like.
Ask yourself this: what would you need your friend to do moving forward for you to forgive them? And if forgiveness isn’t possible, what does that say about the state of your friendship?
If you don’t have the answer right now, that’s okay. But it’s helpful to consider what you really need if you want to resume your friendship.
Seek Other Forms of Support
After a friendship betrayal, you may question whether it’s worth trusting people. You may even find yourself isolating from your friends.
This is a typical response to being wounded. There’s nothing wrong with being nervous or skeptical. However, isolation tends to worsen the problem, as it can magnify feelings of loneliness, shame, and sadness.
Instead, it may be a good idea to focus on some of your other relationships right now. Are there any other friends you want to reconnect with? What about meeting some new friends or devoting more attention to your spouse or family?
Either way, the goal isn’t about avoiding what’s happening with this particular friendship. Instead, the goal is to stay grounded in knowing that people can and will care for you- even if you’ve been hurt.
Seeking Therapy After a Friend Betrays You
If a friend betrayed you, it’s typical to feel hurt, angry, and even dysregulated. Unlike romantic relationships or even family dynamics, there is very little conversation about how to navigate friendship conflict.
But the pain can certainly be tender, and you may not necessarily know how to talk about it. Seeking professional help may be beneficial for reflecting on your current friendships. Together, we can recognize if any problematic patterns exist, and we can also discuss potential boundaries, coping skills, and grounding exercises to better support your relationship wellness.
Therapy can also offer a safe space during the trauma or grief process that may ensue if ending a friendship. Regardless of your specific circumstances, you don’t have to navigate this difficult time alone.
Contact me today to get started.