Because conflict can feel so dysregulating and uncomfortable, many people try to avoid it altogether. This makes sense. Why make things harder than they need to be?
But in an effort to keep peace, you may actually perpetuate more anxiety, tension, and disruption. Furthermore, you might be triggering the very disagreements you hope to avoid. Learning how to manage conflict effectively is an important skill in any relationship. Here are some useful strategies to consider integrating.
What Causes Someone to Become Conflict-Avoidant?
This may be validating news: conflict management skills are not automatic. Most people weren’t taught to effectively address discomfort or engage in difficult conversations respectfully. If that was the case for you, the idea of managing conflict may feel awkward and upsetting. Here are some reasons why you may avoid conflict in your daily life:
Interpersonal Trauma
Many people avoid conflict because they’ve had traumatic experiences with conflict in the past. For example, maybe you had a parent who physically harmed you when they became angry. Or you were in an emotionally abusive relationship with a partner who stonewalled you when you disagreed with them.
These types of complex interactions can reinforce a deep-rooted fear of interpersonal conflict. At any sign of danger, your nervous system engages in its fight-or-flight response. However, those with conflict avoidance may find themselves freezing in response to feeling overwhelmed. Instead of outwardly reacting, your body essentially shuts down and feels numb. This can make it seem like you’re passive to the situation even when you feel enraged or hurt inside.
Fear of Rejection or Abandonment
Fears of rejection or abandonment may be subconscious or conscious, but they can drive conflict avoidance. Sometimes this shows up as people-pleasing behavior where you try to appease to others to seek approval. But other times, it simply means hiding your true feelings or avoiding honest communication because you don’t want to be perceived in a negative light.
Lack of Awareness of Healthy Conflict Resolution
Were you ever modeled how to apologize to someone after you hurt them? Did anyone ever teach you how to engage in healthy communication even when you feel anxious or irritated? If not, you’re not alone, but it may mean that you simply haven’t properly developed the tools to approach conflict. Therefore, you may avoid it without necessarily realizing how or why.
How to Approach Conflict Respectfully
Completely avoiding conflict is an unrealistic goal- we can’t avoid disagreeing with people from time to time. Normalizing and even embracing this reality may reduce the stigma around such tension.
Similarly, conflict doesn’t have to be a scary, negative experience. When navigated successfully, many people find that moving through conflict can help them problem-solve and feel closer afterward.
Name Your Emotions
When you notice yourself becoming activated, practice labeling how you feel. Despite misconceptions, there are no positive emotions or negative emotions. All feelings matter and have a relevant role in your life.
Once you can embody that all feelings are a valid part of your reality, they feel less taboo. However, certain emotions like shame, fear, helplessness, and loneliness can feel quite debilitating. Naming them internally allows you to privately announce that you’re feeling dysregulated.
Try to Stay Mindful (Or Calm Yourself Down Before Engaging)
The best way to navigate conflict or engage in a confrontation is from a neutral and regulated stance. Of course, this isn’t always possible, especially if a particular issue makes you feel heated. The problem is that attacking another person (or becoming passive-aggressive) only aggravates the situation.
If you feel that you’re too overwhelmed to manage the conflict, step away. Take a walk. Take a few deep breaths. Practice grounding and remind yourself that you are safe. Once you feel calmer, reengage as needed. Mindfulness is an imperative part of feeling stable during an argument.
Practice Assertiveness in Safe Situations
Managing conflict doesn’t need to be an all-or-nothing process. It’s okay to take time to explore how and when it feels right to you. This is especially important if you have spent most of your life avoiding conflict.
Assertiveness refers to clearly expressing your needs to another person. Aggression has themes of hostility and control whereas passivity has themes of avoidance or people-pleasing behavior. Assertiveness is the middle ground.
It’s okay to practice expressing what you need in low-stakes situations instead of with the most risky people. You want to build your capacity to engage in this skill, and it’s reasonable to acquire more confidence gradually.
Embrace Active Listening
Although you may find yourself resisting this strategy, try to understand the other person’s perspective. What feels important to them? Which needs may not be getting met? What’s really creating this power struggle for them right now?
Dropping into empathy helps you soften your stance, and it allows you to communicate with compassion and dignity. The desire to be understood is universal, so you can use this approach anywhere- from relational conflict to workplace conflict.
Focus More on the Disagreement Than the Person
Amid an argument, it’s sometimes easy to move to extremes. For example, your partner may have forgotten to pay an important bill, and you’re now fuming with anger. They were irresponsible. How could THEY overlook such an important task?
But instead of blaming your partner, focus on your feelings and the actual conflict at hand. You don’t want to harm someone you care about with character judgments. Instead of saying something like, You are so forgetful, you might say, I feel upset about this late payment. This approach is rooted in I-statements, and I-statements assume personal responsibility over individual feelings.
Ground Yourself With Gentle Affirmations
Conflict-avoidant people often fear the negative consequences associated with sharing their truth. This is a legitimate fear- it’s quite possible your truth wasn’t validated in the past or wasn’t taken seriously. As a result, emotional suppression may feel like the best approach.
The reality is you may upset some people. This can be hard. Not everyone will like you or your stance, and that can feel threatening.
If you feel anxious after a conflict, that doesn’t inherently mean you did anything wrong. You may just be coping with the novelty of practicing new skills or asserting yourself. That said, here are some affirmations you might consider:
- I am allowed to make space for my own needs
- I am capable of having hard conversations and knowing I’m still worthy
- Just because someone is upset/angry with me does not mean they don’t love me
- Conflict happens to everyone, and I am practicing dealing with it
- I am worthy of expressing myself, and people who care about me want this from me
Final Thoughts for Managing Conflict and Relational Tension
Conflicts are uncomfortable, but learning how to move through this discomfort is a powerful skill that can improve your self-esteem, mental health, and relationships. If you feel overwhelmed by your fear of conflict, professional support can make a profound difference in strengthening your well-being.
Therapy can help you cultivate a better understanding of the root fears associated with upsetting others. It also offers guidance and support as you navigate interpersonal stress. All change is a process, but growth is always possible.
If you’re struggling to assert your needs or find your voice, I commend you for seeking care. Please reach out to schedule an initial consultation.