There is no doubt that family estrangement feels emotionally complex for everyone involved. Even if you haven’t spoken to your parents in years, their poor health or natural aging process may cause you to question reconciliation.
What you do is a deeply personal decision without a definitive right or wrong answer. You have the right to take time to explore what you need, and it’s okay if you aren’t sure what’s best for you right now. Here are some guidelines that may help.
Reflect on your Goals for Reconnection
If you’ve been estranged for several years, you should consider assessing your priorities before reestablishing your relationship. You can start by pinpointing why you chose estrangement in the first place. What needs weren’t getting met? What pain did you endure? And what did you try to do with your parents before distancing yourself altogether?
When considering your goals for reconnection, you might consider asking yourself:
- Do I genuinely want to reconnect with my parent or do I feel obligated to do so?
- Is any part of me still hoping for a profound sense of resolution?
- What fears do I have about remaining estranged at this time?
- How will I manage if the same wounds or painful feelings reemerge?
- What limits are important for me to set to ensure my emotional well-being?
Unpacking these responses may help you decide how to best consider moving forward with your family estrangement. Even if you don’t know what to do right away, cultivating insight can make change feel more possible.
Clarify Financial and Legal Considerations
Estranged adult children may be in a unique situation where they know some details about their aging parents, but they might lack knowing the most important information. However, it’s important to get your affairs in order and consider some necessary logistics, including:
Reviewing consent and autonomy: You generally have the right to determine which care you provide, and remembering this is important, particularly if you feel pressured to absorb certain responsibilities.
Looking over current legal documents: If your parents have advance directives or trusts in place, it may be helpful to evaluate them to understand the legal framework in place. Consult with a lawyer to review your options. Elder law attorneys can offer guidance in cases of estrangement.
Ensuring power of attorney: If your parents become incapacitated, you may need to have a Power of Attorney (POA) to make choices on their behalf. If no existing POA is in place, you may need to seek conservatorship or guardianship through the court.
Maintaining good documentation: Consider noting all decisions, interactions, and expenses related to your caregiving tasks. Track conversations with healthcare providers and legal personnel. This may offer legal protection and offer clarity if discourse occurs.
Preserve Emotional Distance When Necessary
Depending on your family dynamic, genuine reconciliation may not be realistic or even desired. The good news is you can be practically and logistically available even if you aren’t emotionally that connected. This approach offers some detachment- you focus more on your specific responsibilities rather than strengthening your relationship.
With that, it’s important to remember that other family members may not understand or respect your choices. Some may even become defensive or hostile.
You can maintain your emotional distance by:
- clearly identifying your interpersonal boundaries about what you will and will not tolerate
- outsourcing certain tasks that feel too stressful or difficult
- regularly prioritizing self-care
- connecting with other family caregivers or siblings who can provide you with additional support
- limiting direct interaction if it triggers ongoing emotional discomfort, anger, or unprocessed attachment wounds
- building a good social support system outside of your immediate family members
Allow Yourself to Grieve Your Estranged Parent
Your family situation is complex and can evoke painful feelings of anger, sadness, fear, and longing. These feelings are not bad or wrong, and honoring them is a vital part of affirming your own grief and needs during this time.
When caring for an estranged parent, you may note yourself experiencing some regret. This can sound like, Why didn’t I reconnect with them sooner? Why didn’t I tell them exactly what was on my mind? Why didn’t I try to set different boundaries? Why did things have to be this way?
Regret can be an uncomfortable emotion, but it’s also a natural part of any grieving process. When regret or guilt is strong, you may benefit from focusing solely on your responsibilities rather than the emotional state of your relationship. This can help mitigate caregiver resentment.
Emotional distance doesn’t absolve you from feelings of anger, guilt, anxiety, or shame. However, it may prevent you from feeling stuck in those heightened feelings. It may also reduce the likelihood of experiencing caregiver burnout.
Therapy for Complex Family Relationships and Caregiving Support
Choosing to provide care for aging parents is rarely a straightforward decision. If you’ve been estranged, this naturally adds several more layers of complexity to your family dynamics.
Therapy can help you explore how to best care for yourself amid these complex emotions. It can also support you if old wounds reemerge or new stressors arise. Contact me today to schedule an initial consultation.