We often spend a great deal of time trying to build healthy relationships with our loved ones. You may care deeply for your partner, friends, coworkers, and children. You might try hard to consider their needs and attune to their emotional states. This is, after all, what it means to be a good friend or family members.
But what about the relationship you have with yourself? Do you embody self-love and embrace an internal sense of friendship? If you don’t, you’re not alone. Many people struggle to care for themselves in the ways they often show up and care for others. Here are some ways to cultivate the most important relationship you can ever have: the one with yourself.
Speak to Yourself Gracefully and Lovingly
The inner critic can be so strong. Maybe it tells you that you’re not good enough or that you should be “better” in some way. Perhaps it ruminates over past mistakes or obsesses about future disasters.
This does make you human, but one of the first steps toward building a healthy relationship with yourself is reevaluating your inner dialogue. Although you might think that shaming yourself motivates you to do better, the opposite is actually true. Shame only perpetuates a sense of loneliness and disconnection- it can also erode the meaningful relationships you want to have.
When you notice yourself engaging in self-criticism, for example, pause for a moment. Ask yourself, Would I speak to my best friend this way? Probably not! You can also take it a step further by asking yourself, What would I tell my best friend to do in this particular situation? Chances are, you’d be gentle and compassionate with them. There’s no reason you can’t extend that to yourself.
Spend Time Enjoying Yourself
Building a loving self-relationship means prioritizing spending time with yourself. This is different than isolation, which speaks more about emotional withdrawal during times of stress. Deliberately spending time with yourself is about genuinely prioritizing time to connect with what makes you feel happy, loved, and treated well.
Consider small ways you can engage in activities that you enjoy. For example, maybe you’ve always loved reading, but you struggle to make time for it. But just like you probably schedule time for friends, you can also block out space for you to spend time with yourself.
Make Your Own Safe Space
It can be hard to connect with being your own best friend when you feel dysregulated or unsafe in everyday life. This can be a symptom of trauma, but it can also coincide with other mental health concerns like depression and anxiety.
A safe space can be real or imagined, but it’s a place you can visit when you need internal soothing. Some people find it helpful to really take in all the surroundings of this space- they mentally furnish it, make it comfortable, and put people there who embody love and comfort.
Connect With Your Inner Child
Even if it was a long time ago, there was a time in your life when you inherently had a good relationship with yourself. As a child, you had a rich inner world and a keen awareness of your own feelings and own needs. As you grew- and life became more complicated- the focus inherently shifted.
However, you can reconnect with that young person inside of you. Consider starting by referencing old pictures of yourself. Once you find that one that really “feels” like your inner child, place it somewhere visible (like on your desk, fridge, or saved on your phone). Refer to it whenever you need to tap into your inner joy or gentleness.
Then, give yourself permission to revisit some of the things you loved in childhood. Maybe you spend time engaging in old games or hobbies that brought you joy. Perhaps it’s cooking a familiar meal that you looked forward to eating for dinner.
Advocate for Yourself
A great relationship with yourself overlaps with the relationships you share with others. This is where self-advocacy matters. When you truly love yourself, you look for kindness and warmth in others. You’re more aware of unhealthy relational patterns, and you strive to limit yourself from people who might deplete your well-being.
Self-advocacy may also come in the form of boundaries. Boundaries reinforce the way you expect others to treat you. At the end of the day, you are the only person who can really identify and reinforce what you need. Making that explicit to yourself and others sets the framework for giving and receiving love.
Therapy for Self-Esteem and Self-Love
Building a healthier relationship with yourself can take time, and it’s rarely a straightforwardly linear process. Like most people, there’s a good chance that you’ve spent many years feeling like you’ve been engaged in a relentless inner battle. Therefore, cultivating self-worth requires challenging old ways of thinking and making space for more self-care, kindness, and love.
I believe we all have the innate ability to cultivate strong relationships with ourselves and with others. In therapy, we’ll unpack the obstacles affecting your self-worth, and we’ll explore new ways to take care of your emotions and treat yourself with compassion.
Regardless of what brings you to therapy, I would be honored to support you on this part of your introspective journey. I welcome you to contact me today to schedule an initial consultation.