Chronic illness impacts millions of people worldwide, affecting both their physical health and emotional well-being. Navigating intimate relationships- while also encountering challenges with pain, fatigue, complicated medical treatments, and other mental health struggles- can feel daunting. Here are some ways you can take care of yourself and your relationship simultaneously.
Understanding How Chronic Illness Affects Intimacy
Life with a chronic illness can make everything feel a bit unsteady. It’s hard to predict how you will physically feel on a given day. Your emotions may feel more volatile based on how much discomfort you feel. These effects can make it hard to feel connected to your loved ones, and they can also impact your desire and enjoyment when it comes to intimacy.
Physical Barriers and Limitations to Intimacy
Chronic illness coincides with symptoms that can directly affect sexual desire, sexual function, and overall sexual performance. Depending on the nature of your illness, you may experience the following concerns:
- significant fatigue
- pain or discomfort during sexual activity
- meditation side effects that impact your libido
- physical limitations that impact mobility
It’s not uncommon for symptoms to ebb and flow. However, many people resonate with experiencing a sense of anxiety that arises just before and during sexual activity. This anxiety- even in milder cases- can make it hard to enjoy the intimacy, and it can reinforce sexual difficulties within the relationship.
Emotional Discomfort or Mood Swings
Chronic illness can create a vicious cycle- since you don’t always know how you’re going to feel on a given day, the unpredictability can come with its own emotional highs and lows. This dynamic can impact you individually and relationally, and it may dramatically affect your quality of life.
If you have a co-occurring mental health condition like depression, anxiety, or PTSD, chronic illness can exacerbate those symptoms. It can be hard to know what’s “physical” versus what’s “emotional,” and symptoms often do overlap and interconnect.
Such emotional challenges may include:
- grief around past experiences associated with having a more satisfying or active sex life
- guilt related to your partner’s feelings or worries about not being able to meet their needs
- fears of negative judgment or abandonment
- difficulty expressing needs due to fear of being needy
- irritability or sadness due to pain, fatigue, or other side effects
- feeling emotionally disconnected in response to chronic stress
- poor self-image due to physical changes associated with various medical treatments
It can be hard to share these emotional struggles with another person. Intense levels of shame or fear of being misunderstood may prevent you from opening up, even to your partner. You might worry that expressing your feelings will make you seem weak or burdensome.
Honoring and Cultivating Intimacy Amid Chronic Pain or Illness
If strengthening physical intimacy is important to you, it’s helpful to approach this process with patience, self-compassion, and open communication. While chronic illness poses many challenges, it doesn’t have to eradicate all forms of intimacy. You may just need to redefine and explore new ways of connection that honor your body’s changing needs.
Explore Other Forms of Intimacy
People often solely think about sexual intercourse when they conceptualize intimacy. However, intimacy is fluid and multifaceted- it often evolves over the lifespan. People with chronic illnesses often find that expanding their definitions of intimacy helps them nurture connection and closeness in other meaningful ways.
Many couples find it beneficial to spend time exploring other forms of closeness and connection, including:
Strengthening emotional intimacy: Instead of focusing on physical connection, prioritizing emotional intimacy entails engaging in deeper conversations with one another and finding new ways to spend quality time together. This can reinforce a sense of closeness within the relationship, leading to more satisfaction and fulfilment.
Embracing other forms of affectionate touch: Experimenting with non-sexual physical touch (cuddling, holding hands, massages, stroking each other’s hair) can offer tremendous physical connection.
Trying different sexual positions: Sexual health is fluid- you and your partner can try adjusting positions, exploring non-penetrative sexual activities, or using toys or other supports to increase comfort.
Consider Couples Therapy or Sex Therapy
Individual therapy offers guidance and support in navigating some of the more tender personal struggles occurring in life. However, some couples find it helpful to work together in a therapeutic setting, especially when chronic illness coincides with sexual problems.
A couple’s therapist offers compassion and guidance in developing strategies for strengthening your connection by:
- improving how you communicate feelings and needs with one another
- addressing underlying tension or themes of emotional disconnection
- exploring new ways to express love, affection, and appreciation
- navigating caregiver dynamics while honoring equality and safety
Sex therapists, in particular, focus more directly on addressing sexual concerns within intimate relationships. A certified sex therapist has specialized training in sex-related issues, and they can help you and your partner:
- identify and work through physical barriers that affect sexual function
- develop strategies for adapting sexual activity to accommodate physical needs
- exploring new ways of experiencing sexual intimacy
- collaboratively processing feelings of fear, shame, guilt, or insecurity related to sexual response
- treating specific symptoms associated with sexual dysfunction, including erectile dysfunction, vaginal dryness, and pelvic pain
It’s important to remember that pursuing therapy doesn’t mean your relationship is failing. Seeking support is a proactive way to cultivate a deeper understanding of one another. The right care can help you and your partner feel more empowered and connected.
Practice Self-Compassion and Listening to Your Body
Although it may feel difficult, honoring your body means recognizing its limits without judgment and treating yourself with kindness. Chronic illness comes with unpredictable obstacles, and forcing yourself out of your comfort zone may lead to more discomfort or frustration. Instead of focusing on what you can’t do, try to embrace what does feel possible in the present moment.
Allow yourself permission to rest: Try to let go of rigid schedules or unrealistic expectations when it comes to intimacy. There is no perfect way to have sex or enjoy connection- dismantling perfectionism is truly one of the best gifts you can ever offer yourself. Some days, your body may need more recovery and downtime, and that’s okay.
Aim to let go of comparison: Sexual satisfaction exists on a wide spectrum, and your experiences with intimacy may look different from others or different from how it once felt. Focusing on what feels good to you can decrease self-judgment and help you feel more peace.
Try to accept your emotions: It’s normal to cycle through feelings of fear, sadness, grief, or anger- this is what it means to be human. You’re allowed to grieve the losses associated with your chronic illness. Aiming to give yourself space for these emotions- instead of suppressing or denying them- can help you feel more regulated overall.
Do things that feel good for your self-esteem: Prioritize self-care regularly, and make sure you’re carving out time for engaging in activities that make you feel connected to yourself. This supports your overall well-being. In addition, managing your stress can positively boost intimacy.
Therapy for Chronic Illness and Relationship Dynamics in Austin, TX
Chronic illness often affects intimacy, and navigating this intersection can feel challenging and vulnerable. Many people find that having space and compassion to process their emotions in therapy offers them a much-needed sense of relief and empowerment.
As a therapist who specializes in grief, chronic illness, and the unique needs of older adults, I understand the nuances associated with the mind-body connection, and I am here to help you feel supported as you strengthen your sense of intimacy.
I offer complimentary consultations to all potential new clients. If you think we might be a good fit, I welcome you to contact me today.